My balls are so social today.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
