I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
