i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
