I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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