Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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