just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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