i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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