i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
