We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
