can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Someone signed my nipple.
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