If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
