id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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