He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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