I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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