Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
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