I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
