fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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