I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
