Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
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