Tell her she can't have a vagina
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
