Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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