just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
