Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
