Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
