New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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