I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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