Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
