I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
