to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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