Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
