Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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