yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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