I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
