Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
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