This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
