Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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