I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
