Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize