Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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