she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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