I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
