At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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