did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
