someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
