youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
