How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize