i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
