just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
