Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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