went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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