My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
