The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
