My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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