listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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