sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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