walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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