so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
