does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
