I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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